Wednesday, September 29, 2010

In passing

Sometimes, it's the words spoken in passing that have the largest impact. The other night, we went to hear a guest speaker at our church. He had inspiring and challenging words for us, his audience. My spirit resonated with his teaching. But, that's not what challenged me the most.

Early in the service, he had an alter call for those that needed/wanted victory in some area of their lives. I went forward, feeling like I am 1 step forward & 2 steps back on this parenting journey. As he was praying for the group, he said something that is almost a cliche in prayers. He said, "As they stand in agreement with you..."

Immediately, those words shot through me and penetrated my soul and instantly, I realized, "I am not in agreement with God about parenting."

The lies I have believed in this area are many. First, and foremost, "These kids are interrupting my life." Or, "These kids are a burden, not a blessing." Scripture is clear. God views children as a gift and a blessing. (Ps. 127:3) I have often stated that I believe they are a blessing, but that they don't often bless me, but, somewhere along the way, I began to see them as a pain in the rear. I forgot that they are not accessories to my world, but they are my world in this season.

I have believed, "This is too hard for me." Not being a real organized or Type A person, home management is difficult for me without children. Add in a boatload of kids and it seems very close to impossible. When He changed my heart about children (we were planning to stop at two), I admit that I envisioned the serene families that grace the covers of the homeschooling magazines. I really thought that He would change my personality to one that would excel as a mom of many. I expected it would be challenging; I did not expect it to suck every ounce of flesh out of me, only to go deeper and find some more. With the rest of Christianity, I say I want to die to self, but I don't actually mean it.

Going along with the last one, I believed, "I've been duped." This is not what I signed on for. I agreed to have many, well-behaved, exceptional children. I did not agree to have children with ADHD, dyslexia, dysgraphia, anxiety disorder, and Down syndrome. For that matter, I didn't even agree to have children with a sin nature. They are often mouthy, disobedient, and slothful. Basically, they take after their mother. Parenting is hard. I keep thinking it should be easier and am always frustrated that it's not.

I need to renew my mind and immerse myself in the Word until I am convinced, with every fiber of my being, that my children are a blessing, that I can do all things through Christ, and that He who called me is faithful. Basically, I need to get in agreement with God.


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Funny thing about obedience

In February, we felt pretty convicted that God wanted us to get rid of Direct TV. Actually, I think we thought we were supposed to before that. February is just when we finally discussed it with each other. We decided to go for it. Only, instead of canceling, I asked them to bump us down to their most basic package, thinking it would be basically network tv only. It wasn't. It was all their kid's channels and a few channels we didn't watch. After two weeks of watching tv just as much as we did before, only stuff we didn't actually like, Shawn called and got our old package back...at a reduced rate. Sigh.

We justified it by acknowledging that we don't watch much television in the summer and soon our viewing would be a distant memory as we spent our time outside. Only, it was one of the hottest summers on record and we actually watched more than ever because it was too miserable to be outside.

During this time, there were two distinct areas in my life that I was praying/begging/pleading to have break through in. I begged God. I quoted every relevant Scripture I could find. I humbled myself. I asked for wisdom. I had others pray. I cried...a lot. I played worship music. I rebuked the enemy. All of it was to no avail. There was no change and I was beginning to believe that there never would be. This was my life, and I was miserable.

Three weeks ago, Shawn decided that we would finally cancel our tv subscription and that we wouldn't even bother hooking up the box to get network, either. Thinking of the midnight nursing sessions with the new baby I have to look forward to, I was less than encouraging of this plan. I cried a little and even had a small panic attack when I thought about not having the opportunity to collapse in front of the tv every evening. I told him he would have to make the call. He did and was assured that everything would shut down at midnight. We stayed up until then watching all the shows in our DVR that we could fit in as a last hurrah.

I admit to being mopey about it for about the first week. But something strange has happened in the following weeks: the two areas of my life that needed break through, have gotten it. In His mercy, He has chosen to give me what I begged him for! I have seen new life after months of dormancy.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Psalm 40:2 &3 (NIV)

Thursday, August 5, 2010

More than I can chew

What happens when you find you've bitten off more than you can chew? When life is overwhelming and you cannot even see to take the next step, nor do you have any clue what that step should be?

After waiting for quite awhile for it to pass, I am starting to accept that overwhelmed is my new address. This is where I live. With one child with acceptable special needs and another with behavioral special needs, plus all the other "normal" kids with their less than stellar attitudes and regular needs, I am undone. Add in pregnancy hormones and symptoms and I am barely functional.

No one understands. When I try to explain the heartache, frustration, and helplessness I feel parenting the child with behavioral problems, I feel judged or the situation is minimized. Some would have me "lay down the law" without ever seeing firsthand the raw fear that crosses his face when he is in a rage. Some tell me they've "been there, done that" and their kid outgrew it, solidifying for me my suspicion that they have no clue what I'm talking about. The emotional exhaustion I feel after dealing with him, or the fear I have that I can't keep all of us safe in the middle of it, remain unnoticed by those in my circle.

Disorganization is my norm. Chaos is starting to rule. I am beginning to believe that successfully doing this (my life) is impossible. I am at a loss.

At this juncture, the only thing I know to do is humble myself before the Lord. He has promised grace to the humble and I so desperately need grace.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Courage and Trust

I just found out that courage and trust are to be the topics of the next church women's retreat. I have grappled with those two things more over the last year and a half than in the previous 38 years combined, and yet, I am no closer to understanding them now than I was before.

It takes a special kind of courage to hear the specialist tell you there might be something wrong with your baby and then face 5 more months without knowing if he's right because you refuse to jeopardize the baby's life for your need to know. It takes a special kind of courage to hear, mere minutes after his birth, that, indeed, he does have an untreatable condition and your life will never be the same, and then to plant a smile on your face and accept the challenge so that no one will be negative about your beautiful baby.

That same kind of courage is needed to hand your amazing son, your heart, over to the doctor for heart surgery without certainty that he'll return alive. It's needed to smile when people say amazingly stupid and thoughtless things time and time again. It's necessary when your friends are rejoicing that parenting is just a season, and you know that for you, it is likely a lifelong venture without an earthly end.

It takes courage to finally accept that you cannot change your child, and instead choose to change the world in which he lives.

It takes a special kind of courage to decline the screenings in your next pregnancy and stand on principle that God is forming this life, too, especially when you now know all the things that could've gone wrong, but didn't, last time.

It is a courage that I don't possess.

It is a complete mystery to me. I don't own it. I don't hold it in my hand. I can't conjure it up at just the right moments. It has just been there. At the time, it didn't feel like courage at all...more like fear, dread, or discomfort mixed with a compulsion to do what's right.

I don't know where it comes from, but I suspect that trust might be the answer. Without a deep-seeded heart knowledge that God has your back, He loves you, and His ways are perfect, you are simply left with fear.

Fear without trust has no functional component. There is a compulsion with fear alone, but it is usually unproductive...to escape, to stand still, to retreat. Without trust, it never compels you to do the right thing, just the easiest thing.

Courage isn't like that. It doesn't dismiss the fear or pretend it's non-existent; it uses the fear to propel you forward to take action, to accept what's to come, to face the unknown.

I wish I did have courage. I wish I could own it, could pull it out at will. Then the dark days - the days when reality sucks the life out of any vision that I had - wouldn't send me to wallow in self-pity. Those are the days that I need to spend less time trying to conjure up something I don't possess and spend more time focusing on the One in whom I put my trust.


Monday, March 8, 2010

The Journey

I like road trips. There is something about hitting the open road that appeals to me. I'm not necessarily a fan of taking them with six children, to be sure, but when I'm alone or with my husband, there is nothing better. I love the newness of stopping to get snacks from the gas station, listening to my favorite music (for more than one song), enjoying a People magazine (if I'm not driving), and just watching the world go by.

There comes a point in every trip when the newness wears off, my back starts to hurt, the coffee has run through me, the sugar buzz is over, and if I have to hear that darn cd one more time... It is time to take a pit stop, eat some protein, drink some water, stretch, and run in place. It is time to take a break, to regroup, to refresh.

And so it is in my spiritual walk. The Lord calls me to a task...have a boatload of children, or homeschool, or raise a special child...and I run with gusto to complete it. I am excited for the journey. I am blessed just to be chosen.

After awhile, my strength begins to wane. I am tired, uncomfortable, and just a little cranky. The newness has worn off and I begin to wonder why I left home in the first place. This is not the journey I thought I started off to take.

I need a pit stop. It's time to take a break, to regroup, to refresh.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galations 6:9

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I feel it again...that stifling, caged, not-good-enough feeling I get when legalism is being heaped on me. I'm so grateful that I can recognize it now and don't need to live there anymore.

I wonder why we do this. Why do we insist on listing rules and taking away grace and replacing it with burden. Freedom is so beautiful, I think it must be painful for some to see. They are blinded by what they do not understand and respond harshly to the person who's reflecting it. Because they've not tasted it, they fear that no one should.

Should.

That's how legalism is packaged...all bundled up in neat little shoulds. You should do this, you should do that, and you, most certainly, should NOT do that. If you live a different life, free from the package that was presented to you, then, sadly, you have missed the mark. But don't worry, I am certain that some more "mature" member of the Body of Christ will be watching and will be more than willing to put you in your place.

I think that we, American Christians, have too much time on our hands. If we have time to nurse our petty offenses, to think of shoulds that even God missed, to put people in their rightful places, then we are missing out on the glory and the intent of the gospel.

There are some who feel that I am a sinner. They would be surprised to discover that I agree. As the t-shirt reads, "I am the wretch the song was talking about." I am a reprobate sinner completely without hope apart from Jesus Christ. The cell of bondage is my rightful home. Without Jesus, that is where I'd dwell. I did dwell there for many years, long after I met Him, even. I ventured out of my cell but not very far and for not very long before returning to my place of twisted comfort.

But, now I'm free. That freedom cost something...something precious, and, until I was willing to truly embrace the cross, a prisoner I remained. I will be attempting to repay that debt, without success, until the day I die.

And I will not be dragged back into the cell of bondage, even by well-meaning Christians who refuse to leave.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Oh Jesus, come quickly

I just read a blog post about The Family Guy and Sarah Palin's response to the show's treatment of a character with Down syndrome. Palin seemed more upset over the fact that the character stated her "Mom is the former governor of Alaska" than anything else. I don't know what I think of all of that, BUT, one of the commentors on the blog post wrote, "Oh Jesus, come quickly."

Something in my spirit just went "grrrrrrrrrr." Really?! We're calling for Jesus to come quickly because we're offended by something on television? Never mind that babies are being killed in utero, children with special needs are being abused and neglected to death, children are being trafficked into the sexual slave trade, and thousands of children are being orphaned and left to fend for themselves by AIDS in Africa. But, don't worry about all of that. We want a free pass out of here in America, because someone might say something that will hurt our feelings.

Most people say that when they see evidence of evil or injustice in this world, and I can't help but think, "If this is the only evidence of evil or injustice we Christians in this country notice, then we need to get out more." There is something seriously wrong with a soul that wants to throw in the towel because of something they watched on FOX television.

I'm just sayin'.