Sunday, August 3, 2014

Though He Slays Me

To see with the eyes of heaven is a blessed thing. To glimpse beyond the veil into the light of eternity and walk in that is a gift. To live our lives, to breathe our very existence with our focus off this temporal realm is a discipline and a complete delight. 

There have been glorious days, even seasons, of my life where I have experienced that kind of awareness and purpose. 

The last year and a half, I confess, has not been one of those times. Like a dog returning to his vomit, I returned to my misery and self-pity over and over (Proverbs 26:11). I questioned my faith and my God. I found my dramatic inner-Israelite and asked, "Why did you bring me here to die?!?" (Numbers 20:4) (I take great comfort in those Israelites. They often said out loud what the rest of us are only thinking.)

My rose-colored glasses with the lenses of eternity were lost somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean on the flight home from Serbia. Although, it's possible they survived the trip and housekeeping scooped them up with the soiled sheets in the hospital the week after we came home. 

No matter. The point is, I planted my feet firmly on American, earthly soil and determined that I could do this. All the reasons why we chose to in the first place were pushed to the back burner and soon my vision became so cloudy, I was eventually lost in the fog. 

I turned inward to the only thing I could see clearly...myself. My struggle, my pain, my hurt, my confusion, until eventually, I even lost clarity in that and I was just lost...overwhelming feelings with no meaning. 

Through nothing I did, Jesus fixed my glasses. Over the last few months, He's gently led me out of the fog. Using unlikely people, random events, church messages, radio songs, even herbal supplements (of all things), and of course, His Word, He's woven a theme around my heart of peace and eternity that's drawn me to Him. 

It's not for nothing, this struggle, this hard life. It is not for naught! This loving with no return is never for nothing. When I look at my little boy and smile and get a blank look in return, or worse, a sneer, it's not wasted. When I change his nasty diaper and get pinched hard on the inside of my upper arm, my tears are known, and they matter. All of our pain on the road of obedience has a glorious purpose...and it's temporary.

And then this was played at church this morning and reduced me to a snot-nosed weeping puddle of tears and mascara (I really need to get water-proof next time). 

In my recent memory, this is the most powerful, touching song I've watched on YouTube. The portion of John Piper's message mixed into it is spot on. I encourage you to take a moment and absorb it. 

Though He slays me, I will praise Him. He is enough.

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