Saturday, July 16, 2011

"We have decided to trust Him only"?

Last Sunday, the worship team at church led us in a song that I was afraid to sing. The lyrics were something like:

"Do what you will, Do what you want, we have decided to trust you only. We want to be whatever you're wanting, you are the Lord of our lives."

I found myself looking around at all the people around me who were singing with abandon, and thinking, "Really? Am I the only one who is unsure if I can really sing this in all honesty?"

I know that He's wanting our lives to glorify Him. What if, to prove He is the God of all comfort, He needs to take someone from us?

I know that He's wanting to increase our faith. What if, to prove Himself as our provider, He needs to dry up our source of income?

I know that He's wanting us to become more like Him. What if, to teach us to die to ourselves, He needs to fill our house with more children than we can handle? (Oh, wait. He's already done that one.)

I don't mean that I doubt in His goodness. I just doubt His way of showing His goodness is the way we'd like for Him to. I know that if I lost a loved one, He would prove to be the God of all comfort and pour out His grace, and work it for my good and His glory. I know that if we ceased to get paid, He would provide for us in a thousand different ways and increase our faith exponentially. And, I know, that in our house filled with children, He has proven himself faithful and taught us to give and stretch and die in ways I didn't think possible...all for His glory and our good.

But I don't wish those lessons on myself, you know?
I don't know that I have completely decided to "trust Him only". I know that I want to be there. But I'm not, yet.