Groundhog Day

The days run together until everyday is Groundhog Day....generally pleasant, but not something I would like to endlessly repeat. I find that physical exhaustion collides with mental fatigue and so I numb myself with the mindless drug of television...partly because I want to escape or avoid, and partly because I'm too tired to remember what I could/should be doing instead. 

How does one do the "quality time" I've heard so much about? How do you make every moment matter when you really just want a nap?

It takes a courage that I lack. To step outside of myself, to push aside my selfishness, might carry the expectation that I'll do it all the time. It might invite further guilt when I cannot pull it off consistently. Better to let them think it's not a possibility, than to show them what of me they're missing.

Oh, Lord. I've been a fool to think I need you less when  obviously I need you so much more. So many more people needing me...needing You...needing me to show them You. I have no time to lose, yet losing time is exactly what I've been doing on these Groundhog days. Instead of wallowing, the Bill Murray in me needs to wake up and finally get it right. Have mercy on me. Give me grace and strength. I need you. Please, show them You through me.

Role Swapping Part 3

I've just finished week 7 of our great social experiment and I wonder where the time goes. It feels like we are still at the beginning instead of in the middle.

It has been working so well, that we started contemplating if this is something we could actually do for longer than just 3 months. We knew they had permanent positions available and began discussing the possibility of expressing interest in one of them. After stewing for awhile about it, I finally just told God that if He wanted me to do this, they would have to approach me. The very next afternoon, my boss and the rest of the staff decided I should work there full-time and set things in motion to make it happen.

After much, much prayer, we've decided that I'll accept the position. 
 
I'm learning a few things. I think I've been overwhelmed, and slightly depressed, for awhile. Maybe years. I think the fog I've been living with is starting to clear, just enough to realize it's there, but not quite enough to see with any great clarity. 

I have things I wonder, too. I wonder if my guilt at loving my job is true or false. I really believe that this is the best thing for our family at this time. Shawn has vision for schooling the kids, developing a relationship with the boys, strengthening his relationship with the girls, and even whipping our home into shape. He is really enjoying the sleep that comes with knowing that paychecks are consistent. I am enjoying not being solely responsible for all of the above. I love feeling like I actually completed something at the end of each day. I love coming home to the kids and enjoying them. I love that my relationship with my teen daughter is so much healthier, now that we aren't fighting about cleaning the house all the time. And I love the new found confidence my 6yo son with a diagnosed anxiety disorder is displaying, now that he has his dad around to pour into him.


And yet, I feel a bit guilty and selfish for loving all those things. It almost feels like the death of a dream. I kept hoping that, one day, I would magically get better at the whole homeschooling/home managing thing. I secretly wonder if God just gave up on me and gave me an out. It's humbling to admit that you can't cut it in your chosen profession, especially if your chosen profession is raising children. But, my husband is so grateful that I'm doing this. Whatever God's motives for working this out, there is grace for this, and I am grateful, too.

Tanking

Discouragement is nipping at my heels. Anxiety is wrapped around my ankles. When I close my eyes, I see myself sliding into a sink hole. To say I'm stressed would be quite an understatement. 

Grace and works are warring again in my mind. I get that I don't have to "do" anything to earn my salvation and to receive favor from God. And, yet, there is just much that needs doing. I am always behind. It's hard to remember that you are justified in Christ when He's not the one clamoring for dinner, or demanding payment on money owed, or scrutinizing your dirty house.


I've heard many times that "God is the only one you need to please". Except, that's not really true, is it? We all have responsibilities. When I was a child, I needed to please my parents. In college, I needed to please my professors. As a wife, I need to please my husband. As an adult, I need to please the IRS, my employers, the therapists who treat my son, the other moms in my homeschool group, church leadership, and on and on it goes.

So how exactly does this grace thing work in all of this?

The reality is that even if I did none of the things I am responsible for doing, God is pleased with me. I know this because when I was still a sinner, He died for me. Before He was even on my radar, He was wooing me to Himself. All the rest are waiting to judge me when I fall short, and God? Well He comes up beside me and makes up the difference.

I am okay, as is. 

There is much about me that needs redemption and yet, He only sees me as already redeemed. That is the mystery of the gospel that Paul referred to. It's a mystery because we cannot fully grasp just how for us God already is. We keep trying to perform, to do, to be good enough to win His approval and we have little concept that we already have it.

The other piece of the mystery is that once I get that He is pleased with me, I want to please Him. Not in a way that is self-serving, like, "Gee, I hope He likes me"; but instead, in a way that wants Him to be blessed.

So I will meet my responsibilities to my husband, the IRS, my employers, early intervention therapists, our homeschool group, our church leadership team, etc, because that's what God, who loves me whether I do or not, has called me to do. 

I think He'll be pleased.

Legalism

I’m beginning to think that legalism is the root of all kinds of evil. We often think we are impervious to it, but clearly we are not. It infiltrates our subconscious and colors the lens through which we view others and ourselves. It causes us to act in ways which are inconsistent with our beliefs and contradictory to our hearts. It places a price tag on that which is free and keeps us from ever walking in victory.

More lethally, it keeps others from having a relationship with Jesus. Other people latch onto our particular brand of legalism, and follow along, looking the part. But, in a moment where true relationship would keep them from disaster, the rules of legalism just force them underground.

Meet Julie, a married mom of a 3 1/2 year-old daughter. She comes from "a religious family" (her words). After struggles with both primary and secondary infertility, she finds herself pregnant with a much wanted little boy. Unfortunately, Julie discovered from amniocentesis that her son is sporting an extra chromosome. Down syndrome was not part of the plan and she is terrified. She also admits that she is very, very angry at God for playing "this cruel joke" on her.

Julie wants an abortion. But, she is struggling with that decision because of her "religious family." The only person that she has shared her son’s diagnosis with is her sister, who is championing that Julie and her husband will do a great job raising a child with Ds. Julie has not shared with her the desire/plan to terminate, because she is worried that her sister will "think less of her."

I can’t help but wonder. If Julie’s family were less religion and more relationship, would that make a difference in this situation? If she were not worried about judgment from them for breaking the rules, would she be able to share her heart and be heard? Would the love and support of her family change the outcome for both Julie and her baby? Would she have already come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ?

If she had relationship with Jesus, instead of a desire to keep up appearances, she would already be convinced that, because God loves her and her son, He must have a plan for her precious baby’s life that includes his extra genetic material. She would know that he is being knit together in secret for a purpose, and that he is being created in the image of her God. Termination might have been her gut reaction to the mind-numbing fear, but it would have garnered no serious consideration.

What about the rest of us? Are we living according to some moral code that applies to other people’s situations? Do we know that abortion is wrong because it just is…and because we would never find ourselves in a situation where we would be tempted? Or do we know it’s wrong because of a gut-wrenching knowledge of the Father’s heart? Can we be real with the Julies of this world and say, "I know your fear. I’ve had it, too. I, too, just wanted to make it go away," and then encourage them that God knows, and that only He can bring them peace?

Or do we shake our heads and click our tongues and declare, "I could never do that to my baby," knowing that it is unlikely that we would ever find ourselves in that situation.

It is easy for me to sit on this side of it and judge. Today I find myself judging the unknown "you" that are steeped in legalism, reacting only to the intent and not responding to the heart. Tomorrow, in my frustration, I will judge the sinner, too. I will be so frustrated and feel so helpless that I could not make her see the truth, when the truth is not mine to reveal. I will feel holier than thou because I’m living this life, and she chose to throw it away.

How is that different? Unfortunately, it’s not. If I had a living, breathing Julie in my life, I would hold her hand and let her cry. I would listen as she processed. I would validate her feelings and pray with her. I would lovingly share truth with her and pour everything I had into her. And then if, in her fear she chose wrongly, I would walk away in disgust and horror.

When will my eyes be Yours, Lord? When will I hear with Your ears? How long must I live this selfish life? Why does it always come back to my foolish pride? I pray for grace, dear Lord. Grace to love my brand of unlovables. I pray for grace to own the mercy you have so freely given me, so that I can freely give it. Change my heart of stone.

(I wrote this post in October of 2009. I don't know what Julie chose to do, but since she broke contact with me, I think I can safely guess that she chose to abort her precious son. Given the new, non-invasive blood test for Down syndrome diagnosis in pregnancies that will be here in the US within the year, the likelihood of many more stories like Julie's is great. Do we have what it takes to love them all?)

Grace

Republishing something I wrote a long time ago, but needed to hear again.

Many years ago, the Lord ministered His grace to me and I was set free from legalism. I’d been saved since I was only four years old and grew up in the church. Somewhere along the way, I bought into the lie that I had to follow a set of rules to earn the favor of God. If I did everything right, I would have smooth sailing. When He set me free, my whole world changed. Reading the Word became a delight instead of a drudgery.

Recently, the Lord in His mercy, showed me that, gradually, I had retreated back into the legalistic cell He’d rescued me from. I’d adopted a "Jesus-plus" doctrine:

• Jesus + daily devotions
• Jesus + a clean house
• Jesus + well-behaved children
• Jesus + being on time for church

These would make me righteous and earn me the blessings/favor that I don’t deserve. I don’t think I’m the only convert of this doctrine. I think that we are attracted to legalism because we like to check boxes. It’s familiar, it’s visible, and it’s easy to apply it to everyone else. If I hold my "what not to do list" up to your life, I might find that you don’t measure up and that would make me feel sooo much better. It’s comfortable. But it’s nowhere near the abundant life that Jesus offers in John 10:10.

The problem with Jesus-plus doctrine is that Jesus plus anything equals bondage; it’s a death sentence. (Gal. 3:10 All who rely on observing the law are under a curse,) Paul said it best, "Oh foolish Galations! Having begun in the Spirit, are you now made perfect by the flesh?!" You can almost here him saying, "REALLY?! How’s that working out for you?" The Word is also clear that "there is no one righteous. No, not one."

It’s Jesus alone that makes me righteous. It’s Jesus alone that gives me life. It’s Jesus alone that sets me free. I don’t have to do anything to earn it. He doesn’t require me to do anything. He just wants me to be. To be, in Him, the woman He’s created me to be. Here’s the kicker: He’s the ONLY one who gets to decide who that is. My fellow box-checkers out there don’t get a vote. My foolish pride doesn’t get to weigh in. Even my dim, limited view of the future doesn’t limit Him.

It’s time to stop doing ………………………. and start being!