Saturday, December 4, 2010

Walking Wounded

They come out of nowhere, those fiery darts designed to penetrate my soul. Sometimes, they glance off my armor and fall to the ground, barely noticed. But, sometimes, they cut through straight into my heart, rendering me paralyzed by shock and pain.

The most startling thing about them is that they are often lobbed by fellow, well-meaning Christians. Perhaps they thought they were simply "speaking the truth in love" but instead shot an arrow unaware. What's the expression? A church hurt is the worst hurt? Reeling, I struggle to makes sense of it all. My mind races as I wonder if the lies I've been fed are really truth and I've been duped by my own complacency. I question everything in my haste to stem the pain.

The most recent arrow came in the form of a question: Are you good enough to be the wife of a deacon? I was found wanting. The question alone was proof of that, but, in case I'd missed it, more evidence was heaped on the wound. Every sin and character flaw I'd ever committed or exhibited was freshly reviewed to prove my inadequacy. I don't think the arrow would've hurt quite so much if I hadn't been married to said deacon for over seventeen years. It's who I am. In questioning my qualifications, they were questioning my worth. "Are you good enough to be who you are?" resounded in my brain.

It hurt. It was messy. I was misunderstood and I hate to be misunderstood. I tried to explain, to be heard, to no avail. I wanted to stand up to the anonymous person who first posed the question. I wanted to flee, perhaps find a nice cave with internet access to live in. It consumed my thoughts for several days, until I finally asked the question: What is a fiery dart designed to do?

The answer is simple - to move my attention from God's business to wounds, my pain, my ego, my response, etc. I have said before,

I think that we, American Christians, have too much time on our hands. If we have time to nurse our petty offenses, to think of shoulds that even God missed, to put people in their rightful places, then we are missing out on the glory and the intent of the gospel."

And here I was, nursing my petty offense, completely oblivious to the hurting world around me. For a brief period, one dart rendered me completely ineffective for the kingdom of God. This life is short. Eternity is not. I want my life to count more for eternity than it does for the here and now. I have no time to waste on my own minor wounds.

Does it still hurt? Absolutely. Do I still want to flee? To leave the church never to return? You betcha. I'd like to think I would do fine, just me and Jesus. The problem with that thinking is that Jesus really loves His bride, the church. He is passionate about her. How can I claim to love Jesus and shun His bride? How can I turn inward and ignore the pain around me?

I can't. That's not who I was created to be. All I can do is work on pleasing Jesus and trust Him to heal my hurt and guard my heart. He is faithful to do just that.

1 comment:

  1. And the clincher for me is knowing my own capacity to sin against others at the drop of a hat. :(